


wished you had hurt me (harder than i hurt you)

by jaylove



Series: stars in your eyes (dust in your kiss) [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/M, Gen, Pining, a lot of it is going to be underlying angst/tension, but i'm gonna eventually get to happier stuff too, i'm not sure what all i'm going to write in this, kay as a dog, kind of anyways, like team/family bonding, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-04-08 16:16:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14109207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaylove/pseuds/jaylove
Summary: The Alliance is a secret organization dedicated to making the world a safer place - they answer to no one government, no one person of power, always working from the shadows. They're all good, they have to be in this line of work. No one group is strong - or more trusted - than the elite team of Rogue One.Following a personal tragedy, Cassian finally returns to base to find everything's been turned upside down. Within the close quarters of his new assignment, his past is even harder to escape than he expected, and it's hard to say if he even wants to.(Title from Let Me Go by Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso)





	1. now we're sayin' never

**Author's Note:**

> this first chapter is pretty long - it sets up a lot of the story, so
> 
> title is from disaster - jojo

There's a soft hum of electricity as Cassian is shown into the command room. Screens cover one wall; several people in headsets are bent over datapads and keyboards, scattered around the space. No one immediately lifts from their work to look at him. He stands for a few moments, eyes scanning along every inch, slowly taking it in. This is without the usual buzz of tense urgency he's accustomed to.

Standing in the center of the room, balancing a large datapad in the crook of her arm, is a woman perhaps younger than Cassian himself. Her hair is immaculately pinned atop her head. She is dressed all in white, similar to Senator Mothma, but the color of innocence does little to dampen her commanding air. He blinks in muted confusion at her several times before her head lifts, sharp eyes immediately locking on him. She smiles in the next second, letting the pad fall to her side as she approaches him in swift strides. It's clear once she stands before him that she's nearly a foot shorter. Still, he maintains his stiff posture. Closer, he can make out the general's insignia on her shoulder, though he knows he's previously met every general.

"Captain Andor, I presume?" At his brisk nod, her smile widens, and she offers him her hand. Her grip is strong as they shake. "Pleased to finally meet you. I've heard quite a bit about you, recently." She motions for him to follow, cutting across the room to exit on the opposite side from where he'd entered. He keeps quiet for now, nodding whenever she glances at him, intent to let her do the talking. "I'm General Organa - but you can feel free to just call me Leia." Perhaps self-consciously, she touches the insignia on her jacket. She presses a hand to the door to keep it from closing as he walks through. "Still getting used to this," her smile turns abashed, and some of her own posture relaxes outside the command room. They stand paused in the hallway.  
  
He doesn't drop the formalities yet. "General Organa, I have to apologize and say I'm - confused." For a moment, he hesitates, eyes flicking back to the room briefly. "It seems things have changed quite a bit since I was last on base."

"Yes, yes," she waves a hand, a frown of focus tugging on her lips. "You missed a lot while you were undercover. I hate to already be throwing you to your next assignment." Shifting past him, she continues down the hallway, now at a more casual pace. Her attention briefly pulls to the pad.   
  
Patiently, Cassian waits for her to lower it again before he asks. The question has been tugging at him practically since he arrived. "May I ask where General Draven is, Ma'am? I typically report to him." More accurately, he's never actually reported to anyone else, unless they were serving as an intermediary. Draven was in charge of most of their Intelligence operatives - he might loan his spies from time-to-time, but they were still his. Cassian in particular.   
  
A ghost of a smile crosses General Organa's face. Something about it seems smug, or even a touch feral. She explains with a deeply pleased tone to her voice. "Davits was demoted a short time after you left. An internal investigation decided he hadn't been operating by Alliance standards. He's now  _Colonel_ Draven." Pausing, still half-leaning against the wall, she taps a nail against the screen of her datapad absentmindedly. "You'll be reporting  _directly_ to me from now on, and not because of your status as one of our best spies." Turning sharply, she leads the way further into the base. As she speaks, she weaves expertly between passerby's, clearly comfortable in the twists and long halls. He falls behind her obediently, keeping his mouth shut as he listens. But a feeling of anxiety has already begun to well in his stomach, causing his grip to tighten on the strap of his bag.   
  
"From now on, you'll be working with a team we call  _Rogue One_ ," Organa informs him, nodding to someone in the distance. "They've already been operating for some time - and, as I said before, you report directly to me. You'll be filling the role of a team leader, but you'll be working with a partner." She pauses long enough to fix him with a hard look. "We bumped her up to the rank of lieutenant recently so there'd be less of a gap between the two of you. Ideally, you should be able to work in sync together, but I suspect she'll remain the natural leader. She's also the only other member with a rank." General Organa halts at the end of one hallway, spinning to face him properly. He stops as well, trying to get over the feeling of ants on his skin, wondering distantly why she suddenly studies him so sharply. Her words are careful when she continues. " _Rogue One_ works with us, but they aren't really  _part_ of us. She recruited all the other members; they're all immensely loyal to her, and the implication is they're only really here because of her."  
  
"Sounds like I'll be the odd man out," he muses out loud, finally speaking. Internally, he knows he would be, no matter the circumstances. Cassian has never been a team player. Aside from his usual partner. "Before we go any further, I'd like to inquire about my - "

"You'll see Kay soon enough," she cuts him off, lips quirking toward a smirk, "he's already integrated with the team. My understanding is that he's had no problems with the lieutenant." She chuckles now, focuses on her datapad. He simply blinks at her in muted surprise. Kay - full name K2SO - didn't typically get along with anyone beyond Cassian himself. Only one other human had ever earned the dog's approval, respect, and loyalty.  
  
But now wasn't the time to even let himself consider  _her_. It didn't matter, because that wasn't even a possibility.  
  
Organa leads him down a few more winding halls, outside the main building, then down a short staircase into an underground facility. He isn't familiar with it, but he'd venture it has to be at least a couple of years old. She enters a code at the bottom of the stairs and speaks once the door has shut behind the two of them. The only other sound is its immediate lock. " _Rogue One_ was first formed a bit over a year now. You'll be partially serving as a liaison between the team and the rest of the Alliance." The younger woman throws him a look over her shoulder, keeping her pace slow. They pass by a few doors as she quickly explains. At least half have no window on them, while the others seem to be small command and communication centers. "This is an elite group. We honestly couldn't have trained any of them better ourselves.  _Rogue One_ leads or accompanies other units on missions semi-frequently. We thought giving her a rank within us would be enough to make the other soldiers follow the lieutenant, but it hasn't been enough. She suggested pretty quickly in that a proper Alliance spy be added, which is a good idea on its own, given her limited experience as being the leader." They pass a door that - like so many of the others - has a keypad connected to it. This one comes with a retinal scanner as well, and he realizes why a second after they reach it.  _General Leia Organa_ is written on a plaque just beside it. 

They go down another short set of stairs, ten or so more feet, before they finally reach the end and come to a halt. The door is one of the sliding models, nearly impenetrable metal gleaming seamlessly at the pair. General Organa gives him a small smile when she again turns to face them.   
  
"It's a lot to take in," her voice is just a touch softer than before, noticeably attempting to be reassuring. "I won't lie and say the adjustment will be easy. But I really do think you're the perfect fit for them, and Kay's already made himself an invaluable member. You're free to live here as often as you want. It's a fully stocked facility - the entirety of this underground has been modified for  _Rogue One_ 's use, really. They operate like a family, so in time, I hope you'll grow to see them as yours." Her smile grows. Uncomfortable lump in his throat, Cassian simply nods by way of response. She turns to enter a code, electronic humming when she stops and proceeds with her briefing. "The door's equipped to recognize each specific person's biology. The code's only half of it. Everyone has a unique one, as well. Senator Mothma and I are the only people outside the team authorized to enter the space. We'll get you inputted into the system soon."  
  
The doors give a chime, an automated voice saying " _Welcome, General Organa,_ " before it finally slides open. Inside is indeed a living area; he can make out what appears to be a full kitchen, and Cassian briefly wonders if he can use chilaquiles to win his new teammates over.  
  
Then Organa makes the mistake of walking through.

No sooner has she planted a booted foot over the threshold than the music starts up. Cassian's stomach drops in immediate recognition - of course, anyone might recognize Shania Twain crooning  _"let's go girls_ " as one of her more infamous songs plays loudly. He can tell it's ringing throughout the facility, as well.   
  
To her credit, Organa barely flinches at the sudden disruption. The fond twitching at the corner of her lips smothers the effect of her eye roll. Cassian steps in at her beckoning, nervously eyeing the area above his head. The music doesn't so much as flicker. The inside isn't lavishly decorated. It looks ... homely, if he were to apply a word. The actual living area is squared, focused mostly by the large sectional sofa. A drop down separates it from the kitchen (the kitchen he decides he  _likes_ ). Though carpet wouldn't be his typical go-to for decorating, it's plush, still appearing brand new. There's a few smaller sitting areas further to their left, and on one wall is a TV almost as big as the wall itself. The colors are muted, gentle on the eyes without being too dull. He doesn't have any complaints yet - beyond the ones that come from interacting with people so closely.  
  
There are a couple of doors on the far wall, though none of them are labeled. He can only see the entrance to a hallway, with the kitchen between it and him, but he imagines the actual rooms will be down it. Cassian's just realized Organa never specified how many team members there are when the first ones approach.  
  
Maybe he's still exhausted from his long mission, but he failed to notice the two men on the couch. They keep their distance, not even stepping out of the dropped zone, both zeroed in on him. They also both give a nod to the general. She returns it, smiling in a distracted kind of way. Something on her datapad has grabbed her attention. ( _Man, I Feel Like A Woman!_ has finished the first chorus and seems nowhere close to fading out.) He squares his shoulders as he turns to properly face them, sizing each up individually.  
  
The taller one stands a step further away. He's immediately reminiscent of a bear; he has to be taller than Cassian, and at least twice the man's size in complete stature. His beard is thick and long, dark hair to match, careful braids decorating both. Though Cassian's first instinct is to be intimidated, the man's countenance is as calm as it is slightly grumpy. After a moment, he tilts his chin down in indication. Not quite a nod - but close. Some of Cassian relaxes in response to the gesture, which is quickly returned.

Beside him stands a man just a bit shorter than Cassian. He is thinner framed, clean-shaven with a neat buzzcut atop his head. It takes only a quick look to realize the fellow is blind. Like his companion, he is clearly quite a few years Cassian's senior. (Too old, Cassian might generally decide, for field work. The cautious buzz in Cassian's head argues this usual logic.) He leans casually on a staff nearly his own height, unseeing eyes somehow focused on Cassian, light curiosity on his face. But the less intimidating lines of his face seem tenser, and his frown suggests a look of minor distrust. Cassian again tightens his grip on his bag.  
  
Before anyone can speak to one another, they're interrupted by more members, likely signaled by the (still playing) music. Cassian is alerted to the presence by a familiar  _woof._  
  
He whirls, already beginning to grin. His eyes land immediately on the Doberman standing at the entry to the hallway. Though he registers a figure beside the dog, Cassian couldn't care less, relieved at the sight of his friend. "Kay," he drops to his knees, and Kay finally rushes to him with a quick motion from the other person. The dog knocks his head against Cassian's chin, drawing a laugh from the human. The cropped tail (done before they met) wags eagerly. It's been a year - closer to two - since they last saw each other. The longest separation either of them had ever allowed.  
  
Cassian honestly had needed the separation, at first. He hadn't been able to look at the canine without thinking of -

Probably visibly, he swallows, pushing the thoughts out of his mind. This can be a new start for the both of them. They won't need to return to that too-bare apartment, they can forget and move on from the past. Cassian forces his shaking hands to steady.   
  
(It should be easier, after so long, to not think of her - to throw away the memories the same way he would a bad mission. Should.)  
  
Maybe it's the effort to school his thoughts again, or maybe it's that she's walked to just a few feet away, but Cassian makes the mistake of looking up then. Immediately he's back on his feet, recoiling so hard he wonders how he doesn't fall. She's - five feet, three inches of dark auburn hair and green eyes and skin he's traced in his dreams and  _memories._  
  
It must show on his face. She gives him a tense smile, something just shy of apologetic. Her body language is tense. Even though she's physically pointed toward him, she's leaning back on her heels, practically a recoil of her own. "Cassian," it sounds so foreign, but God, hearing her voice is like music after months of silence. 

"You can't - " He can barely speak past the tightness of his throat. She flinches, like hearing him has the opposite effect on her. "You'd never work for the Alliance."   
  
The last time he saw her, she was in a holding cell even he wouldn't have been able to open. Tears in her eyes even though the fight had drained out. He hadn't wanted to know what would happen next to her. It wouldn't have been worth the pain. At the time, it had seemed like that was the end. She hated the Alliance. The Alliance hated her. By the time he returned home, Cassian had reasoned before his last mission, she'd be long gone. They'd never have to see each other again, and he could forget about her. Standing here before her now, he realizes that's an impossible wish. The memory of her is carved right down to his bones. Every touch - every smile - every stolen moment -

"Things changed," she starts out slowly. Absentmindedly, her arms cross as if she's cold. Discomfort reads across her features, but he can't see her usual tension, the anxious energy she kept just below her skin. It smacks him between the eyes in a moment. He was the cause for that, all along. Cassian's stomach twists. "Leia's an - " her eyes dart to the younger woman's, and fond happiness flickers over her expression, " - old friend. She caught wind about me, heard my story, decided Draven had gone unchecked for too long. Senator Mothma agreed." Shoulders rising in a half-hearted shrug, her eyes meet his again, guarded and dark. An angry thought hits him unwarranted. Why is she acting so withdrawn and careful, as if she was the one hurt by their separation?

There's a tense pause before Cassian turns to Leia, not sure what he's going to say yet, but knowing he has to get out of this. Out of here. He's not a strong enough man for this, especially not now. "This isn't going to work, I'm sorry." Cassian shakes his head for added emphasis. The general fixes a look on him that makes him want to sink under her gaze.   
  
A laugh catches his attention. It's short and choked, he knows it must be bitter when he lets himself look to the culprit. Her lips are twisted into a sardonic smile. Arms tighter around herself. She looks so defensive, he can't help a note of guilt. "I tried to tell you," the words are directed to Organa. The general's stare -  _glare_ \- lands on the other woman now, clearly displeased. Cassian doesn't feel at all sorry for that. If they're friends - he can imagine that General Organa might know the  _story_ , which means she should have realized this wouldn't go well. It explains the intense scrutiny he'd been under earlier.  
  
Before Organa can speak up, a voice interjects from the hallway. "Guess our little team isn't good enough for an experienced killer," the words are shaky, laced with rage, and it seems to startle all of them.  _She_ takes a step to the side, all six pairs of eyes on the newcomer. Even before he spots the person, Cassian feels himself tensing.  _Experienced killer._ Bile rises dangerously in his throat, the hand clutching the strap of his bag tightening into a fist. 

The man is thin, the sharp edges of his features contrasting with his too-large clothes hanging off his small frame. He's around the same height as the blind man. Dark hair is pulled into a messy ponytail at the nape of his neck, strands that have come undone falling onto his face. Normally, he might be a pleasant person, but an expression of murder distorts his features. His hands are clenched so tightly into fists that his knuckles must be white, and he visibly shakes with anger. And his focus is resting solely on Cassian. There's a faint bruise along one of the man's cheekbones. It's gone too silent, and Cassian realizes that stupid song finally ended at some point.

"Bo," her voice is careful and soft; his stomach twists again as he realizes he's heard that same tone a hundred times. She takes a step toward the new man, but that just prompts him into motion. 

"You," his voice is still shaking. He makes fast strides across the space, till she's having to yank him back to keep him from getting into Cassian's face. The man's other arm raises to point accusingly at Cassian. "You're the one who killed Galen - "  
  
" _Bo_ ," she hisses it out this time, pulling him back to her side again.  
  
"You don't  _deserve_ a place on this team!" The man seems oblivious to her attempts to reign him in. Tears are starting to well in his eyes, either from anger or something else. He's on some kind of roll. "After everything you did - to him - to  _her_ \- "

" _Bodhi!_ " This time, her voice cuts the man off. Maybe on instinct, he straightens up, letting her practically press herself to him. She uses his chin to make him meet her eyes, her face like steel. "We talked about this," she lowers her voice as she speaks. They simply stare into her each other's eyes in silent conversation for several long moments. Angled together, the man with an arm tight around her waist. Cassian can't resist a wave of suspicion. Quick glances to the other occupants of the room reveal that no one seems surprised by this closeness, even if they are all tensed for a fight.  
  
" _Bodhi_ " finally lets out a disgusted noise, staying just long enough to flash Cassian a look of distinct hate. He turns on his heel after that, striding out even faster than he'd entered. She waits till he's disappeared down the hallway before she nods to the other two men. The taller places a hand to his companion's back, and they both return her nod before falling after Bodhi on silent feet.   
  
Another minute of silence. She finally breaks it with a deep sigh, her shoulders drooping. For the first time, Kay steps away from Cassian's feet, moving to quickly check on her. Without even stopping to look, she pats the dog's head reassuringly. Cassian realizes it's odd - Kay never liked people getting close to his master, especially not in such an aggressive way. He really had adjusted to the team if he hadn't gotten defensive during the confrontation.

"Get it sorted out," General Organa is the first to actually speak, leveling them both with individual no-nonsense looks. Her expression and tone leave no room for argument. "Captain Andor's assignment to this team remains." She gives them a moment to try and disagree. When they both stay silent, she nods, pleased to have won for the time being. (Because Cassian can't imagine this will last long.) They remain still as she marches back out. The door slides closed and locks audibly. 

"Sorry about that," she makes no effort to correct her posture, running both hands through her hair. "I told Bodhi a while ago. Figured it would be better to let him work the anger out of his system, rather than him find out on his own and it blow up in our faces." Her eyes rise hesitantly to meet his, worry in her expression. "He really is a great guy - he was just ... Close to my father. Give him some time and he'll come around." She stops for a moment. Taking in a deep breath, she drags her fingers through her hair one last time, before dropping her arms to her sides and exhaling. When she looks at him again, there's more strength and confidence to it. His chest hurts. "How've you been?"   
  
_Horrible_ is what he wants to say.  _I miss you - I don't know how to do this on my own - Why did you do this to me?_  They all fly through his mind. But when he opens his mouth, he manages not to let any of it slip out. "Fine. I think that goes without saying for you." Cassian takes a few tentative steps forward, so he isn't standing awkwardly in front of the door. Kay moves to sit halfway between the two of them. He lets his eyes properly sweep her for the first time, shoving away all his emotions, and there is something different about her now. "Your hair is short," it's one of the more obvious changes. His eyes are drawn to the carefully trimmed ends, maybe an inch or so above her shoulders. It has more curl and volume than before.

He's halfway through imagining burying his hands in it when she laughs, fingertips brushing across her hair self-consciously. "Yeah, had to cut it for a mission," her expression is both playful and nervous, and her eyes narrow slightly as she teases, "I know, you liked it longer." She chews lightly on her bottom lip, an old habit she hardly ever noticed. Seeing it - seeing her - causes an unwelcome burst of affection in his chest.

His mouth is open to respond ( _I wasn't going to say that_ ) when she turns away, mood shifting suddenly. "This is the kitchen and great room," she shrugs, though she isn't looking at him, head turning as she takes in both areas, "obviously." She points in indication to each room as she continues. "Supply closet. Weapons, though we mostly keep ours with us, still. That's sort of - my office, I guess. Or ours now." For a second, she tenses, the discomfort filling the lines of her frame again. She shakes it off quickly, proceeding like it never happened. "No one uses that TV, if I'm being honest." Her gesturing indicates a little nook on the far left of the great room. "Another storage space. Not even sure what's in there exactly, probably just books or something." She gives another shrug, then leads him with long strides down the back of the space.

Cassian notices the hallway he hadn't seen before when they're a few paces from it. Hidden lights automatically turn on when they get close enough, and she explains each room as they go past. "Communications. We like to do as much as we can on our own - I'd be careful when you first go in there, it can get pretty disorienting. You'll need a code for it, though." They approach a corner. As they turn it, she motions first to a small door dead ahead, then a door a little ways off. "Teeny tiny supply closet. Training room. There's a sparring place outside our space. Feel free to beat up anyone who offers themselves, since it's semi-open. This one's just for private use, though it's practically a jungle-gym in there." A grin comes across her face, though she still doesn't turn back to him. There's a line of windows looking into the training area. He can almost make out vague shapes, but can't tell much with the inside lights off.   
  
Just past the door to the training room, she indicates a door on the left with a slight wince. "Cleaning equipment - vacuums and stuff. Since pretty much no one else is allowed in this area, we have to keep it clean ourselves. Which can be easier said than done. The bathrooms all look basically the same, so they're all equally hard to get blood out of. Leia gets fussy if everything doesn't meet her personal regulations." He lets out a huff that's close to a chuckle. It seems appropriate, somehow, that there's no designated medical room. They've come to a stop, and as she turns, he realizes that the tension between them has dissolved. It'll undoubtedly return in time, but he's relieved that their interaction has become comfortable. Cassian inclines his head toward the door at the end of the hall.  
  
"What's in there?" Like the communications room, it has a keypad beside it. This one indicates a palm print rather than a code.  
  
She shoots a look over her shoulder before pursing her lips. "Don't go in there," when he raises an eyebrow, she continues, sighing briefly. "Just consider it Bodhi's domain. It's - well," she gestures all around them, "everything traces to there. It's how he does the thing with the door. He's pretty great with most technological stuff. Between the two of us, we can hack, reprogram, and otherwise take care of anything." A proud kind of smirk lightens her face. Her shoulders go back, the stance of a satisfied leader. He can't help but smile in return.

They cut back the way they came, relaxed silence until they reach the opposite hallway. "Barracks through here," she gives a little scoff, "and a couple of hall closets."

" _Christ_ ," he cuts in with a barked laugh, unable to keep it down. "Think you've got enough storage?"  
  
Her narrowed glare is playful, waving a hand as if to dispel his comment. "There's been four people and a dog living here full time, and I promise, you're going to be spending most of your time here. Like it or not. Do you know how many paper towels we go through in a week?" He opens his mouth, about to fire off some smart ass remark that'll make her shove him or groan. She continues before he can. "You don't want to know how many. It takes a lot of supplies, thus a lot of storage space necessary." Turning on her heel, she leads him into the hallway. The lights are dimmer down here. 

"You're at the end on the left. Bodhi's right across the hall, but he's generally a zombie when he first wakes up, so I doubt it'll be a problem. Make the code something he can't guess, though." Over her shoulder, she gives him a stern look. He nods quickly. (The first thing that comes to mind is, of course, a date relating to them. But he decides it isn't worth the risk of Bodhi putting that together. And counterproductive when he's meant to be moving on.) "I'm right here." She raps the left wall. A couple of feet away, there's a door with a keypad beside it. With her head, she indicates the door just across the hall from them, closest to the entrance of the hallway. "Chirrut and Baze's. I don't know if you actually got to meet them earlier, but you won't see them apart very often. And if Chirrut asks you to spar from him, absolutely do not agree, under any circumstances." As if to further convince him, she rolls her shoulder, wincing with the motion.   
  
He looks from one door to another. Decently spaced. "They share a room?" Maybe this place wasn't made to house five people. Cassian does feel relieved that the team is fairly small. 

Something like amusement flashes in her eyes. "They're married. And probably the reason none of us really bother with watching TV." She gives a short laugh before leading the way down the hallway, pointing out the parallel hall closets as they pass by. "Everyone has their own bathroom, thankfully." They stop in front of his room. "Five digits," nods to the keypad beside it, "it's unlocked right now, just ... call if you need help setting it up. Pretty straightforward, though." For a few seconds, she rocks on her heels, gaze locked on him.   
  
It's hard not to imagine. Not to imagine that she wants to talk about it, or that she doesn't quite want to leave him. He considers actually pulling her into the room with him. Questions keep pounding against his skull, but really, he just misses her. The desperate wish to hold her close until all their sharp edges have smoothed again nearly overpowers him.

He focuses on something past her instead. She follows his gaze, and there's definitely something guilty about her expression when she turns back. "We call that the family room. It's smaller than the great room, so it's more comfortable. A lot of our time is spent in there. I added the keypad, and Bodhi programmed it so only our four codes work." Something must change on his face, because she flinches. One of her hands starts carding through her hair again. ( _God,_ he wishes she wouldn't do that.) "We'll add yours once you're issued - "  
  
"No, it's fine," Cassian cuts her off quickly. Suddenly, he just feels tired, just wants to be on his own to try and process everything. The implication is accidental, he knows. But he also knows he isn't actually welcome here. So he shoulders his bag finally, giving her his best spy smile. It probably won't fool her for a second. "Don't worry about it. Thank you for showing me around." There's a moment of hesitation - she looks like she's about to say something. She decides against it in the end, stepping back with a hesitant nod. 

For a few moments, he watches her walk to the end of the hallway. She inputs her code and the double doors slide open enough for her to dart through. Almost to Cassian's surprise, Kay stays at his side, dark eyes focused up intently on the man.  
  
He ruffles the dog's head, hits the entry button with more force than strictly necessary, and steps into the waiting darkness.


	2. no it don't breakeven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> continues a little after the first chapter left off, some tension within the team at cassian's arrival + assignment
> 
> toward the end there's a few comments with nsfw implication, but nothing extreme, and it's fairly brief

Inside their private room, Bodhi paces back and forth, arms waving wildly as he makes unintelligible noises of frustration. He comes to a sudden halt after a few minutes of this, scrubbing a hand roughly along his beard. Already his hair is unruly from burying his hands in it during his short rants. The line of his jaw is set harshly, his shoulders raised and rigid. Wide eyes, normally so sweet and open, land on a single person with muted anger.   
  
"Just - " his lips twist in a grimace. After sucking in a breath through his teeth, he speaks, seemingly fighting for calm. "How can you really forgive him for that? He killed - " His head tosses side to side like a horse ready to stampede. Pain shines in his eyes as he focuses on the world around him again, voice cracking, "he shot Galen in  _cold blood_. You can't forgive him for that. You just - tell me, honestly tell me, that you can't stomach it.  _Please._ " He pleads as if he already knows the answer to his request. Stepping toward the recipient, he throws his arms wide again, brows scrunching together. Fury and grief visibly war for control of his features.  
  
She shifts, still perched on the arm of the couch. Up till now, she had simply watched him silently, trying to let him blow off steam. He's yet to truly wind himself down. One hand rubs the back of her neck. It may read as consideration, but she's had too much time with this subject. They all know she doesn't need to think on it. "It wasn't cold blooded murder, Bodhi," she's keeping her voice careful, regulated, even against the turmoil in her stomach. "He was following orders. Yes, he pulled the trigger, but he was just as much a gun as the one in his hands. I've  _seen_ how much it haunts him. Everyone's made mistakes. We've all been responsible for things we like to forget - it's just more directly for Cassian than the rest of us." Pointedly, she looks around the room, sending her words to everyone. Her hand falls back onto her lap. Pale fingers lace together, like this action can hold her together.   
  
The bruises along her left knuckles are still healing. She traces the fading colors with her eyes, steadying her inner turmoil by tracing the edges. It works. When she lifts her head to face Bodhi again, her expression is one of steely calm.  
  
He mulls on her words for a moment. Seems to try and swallow them, but in the end, he's unable to get them down. Bodhi takes another step toward her. "Are you really able to see him without seeing your father there, blood running into the mud? Because I can't," he takes in a shaky breath as the tears gather again, " _God_ , I can't get it out of my head, every time I look at him." A shudder runs down Bodhi's spine. The man looks like he might be sick for a moment, hands shaking harder than normal at his sides.   
  
"Of course it's there," her voice is softer now, without the detachment she used as a shield earlier. "But he's more than his mistakes and - "

"Is he really?" Bodhi's anger comes back to him suddenly. Like a flare going off. His body pulls into itself again, tension across his frame. "Or do you just want him to be? Because the man  _I_ heard about," he makes another wide motion, hands clenching over and over again into fists, "he tossed you aside like dirty laundry to avoid the consequences of those mistakes. This isn't some - some - some  _James Bond_ coming back to save the day. What happens when he wrecks your life again?"

She tenses during his spiel, fingers digging through the fabric of her jeans into her thighs, using it to try and keep control. The emotions welling inside of her are almost too much to bear. It's a fight to keep down those surges of guilt, the pain at the thoughts. A tiny voice is telling her that Bodhi has a point. But she also knows better; knows  _him_ better. "Cassian - he's not like that, he's a good man." Cassian doesn't trick people for the sole purpose of hurting them. Cassian doesn't try to destroy someone's life. Cassian doesn't do  _selfish_ things. That's her.   
  
Bodhi levels her with a deep look, jaw set. "Get your head off his dick."   
  
It's a low blow; they all know this. He recoils a little from his own words, as if he hadn't quite expected to say them out loud. There's no regret in his eyes. Things go dead still for a few moments, the entire room holding its breath, like the world itself stops as she processes. Her expression gets harder and harder as the silence drags on, scarcely even blinking. Stiff as a statue.  
  
"I preferred his mouth, actually," she finally responds, tone flat. The angered undercurrent is still detectable. She rises, crossing halfway to Bodhi before she halts. Hazel eyes land on the other occupants in brief consideration. Baze meets her gaze evenly, a glimmer of worry that he holds back. Chirrut sits beside him on the couch, chin tilted up, lips a tight line. Though not as vocally as Bodhi, Chirrut had perhaps equally disliked the idea of Cassian joining their team.  _You can't trust someone who refuses their lover_ , Chirrut had told her once. Her excuse, on Cassian's behalf, was that it had never truly been love. They both maintain their silent neutrality under her scrutiny. Only then does she turn back to Bodhi, her expression and body language both like stone. He tries to stand his ground under the gaze, but the guilt is starting to show, since he so rarely lashes out. 

"Go cool down in your room," she decides, not speaking as family, but as the leader of their unit. (Both in the sense of their found family and  _Rogue One_ itself.) His jaw twists, even though he's visibly accepting it. "Before dinner, come meet me for sparring." She bumps his shoulder as she walks past him. It might seem like a physical punishment, to an outsider. Sparring has, actually, become her go-to for working things out with Bodhi. Usually involving his more  _inappropriate_ song choices.   
  
( _Shots_  for every time Baze entered comes to mind particularly fast.)  
  
The doors part when she slams a hand on the  _open_ button. It's two paces before she screeches to a halt, shoulders drawing defensively.   
  
To his credit, Cassian looks equally startled by her presence, hand hovering over the buttons of his keypad. "Jyn," it's her imagination - her  _stupid imagination_ \- making her name sound so breathy as it falls off his lips. She has to swallow hard to get control of her thoughts. He's as beautiful still as the day he left her, eyes sparkling like the stars themselves reside in them.  
  
(That's the cruel irony, Jyn decides then and there, because the stars connected her to her father. They had such a special place in her heart. So of course she sees them in Cassian, all the things she's loved the most running together. Watercolor in the book of her life.)

"Settling in?" She manages to ask, hoping her voice doesn't sound as choked as it feels. A moment too late, she feels her hands running through her hair, and she shoves them into her pockets with more force than necessary. His eyes only follow the action because people naturally monitor movement. This is why she used to wear her hair up all the time, it kept her from messing with it. And that kept her emotions - her mental state - a little more private. It hadn't been a problem till now. He doesn't need to see the disaster his mere presence is turning her into. The more he can peer into her, the more likely she'll do something to ruin this.  
  
It's selfish to hope she can get him to stay. She'll make herself learn one of these days.  
  
"Room's ... bigger than I expected," he breaks through her crisis. There's a soft smile playing at the corners of her lips. He doesn't quite look at her, but it's in a casual way, and she's okay with it. Prefers this, actually. Easier to pretend they were never as close as she convinced herself they were. "The Alliance doesn't normally think to provide us creature comforts like this." He lets himself smile now, and his gaze slips to her. Eyes crinkled from his half-amused musings.   
  
She can't breathe under his gaze. It's too much, all at once making the world spin around her. "Right," she has to shove the word out, and she feels like she's going to break if she doesn't do something to make all of this just  _go away._ Long enough to get full control again. "Good." There's an awkward pause - something must be showing in her voice or expression, because he's studying her like he isn't sure what's going on. She tightens her bruised hand so hard it hurts. Lets her nails dig into her skin to keep her focused. "If you need anything - "  
  
"I know where to find you." Cassian finishes for her, smiles with such distant politeness, and she tries to make herself return it. Hopes -  _prays -_ it was more convincing than she feels. Jyn gives him a stiff nod after another moment.   
  
He doesn't say anything, so she takes that as permission to  _get the fuck away._  She cuts a wide berth as she breezes past him, hardly even feeling her steps, fixing her gaze on her door so hard she goes cross-eyed. If the code didn't come so naturally to her, she might not have been able to get in. The lights stay off as she steps through the threshold. The door closes behind her and the room envelops her, pitch black, swallowing up the first sobbed breath. 

Jyn tries to fight off the tears for all of three seconds before she lets herself succumb to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from breakeven - the script
> 
> if it weren't clear: bodhi programmed the doors to their part of the base to play a specific song for each registered person that walks through, and changes them either on a whim or when he's made to
> 
> chirrut and baze will talk soon, i swear, they're just the kermit meme for now
> 
> it'll become clear soon just what exactly went down between cassian and jyn


	3. we both admit we had it good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello naughty children it's nightmare time
> 
> fair warning for cassian's nightmare relating to galen's death (uh, murder? assassination? whatever), though it doesn't actually show that

_The wind blows the rain into his face no matter how high he pulls his hood. It saturates the entire landscape, runs in miniature rivers down the sides of his nose. This place is depressing, in the strongest sense of the word. A nasty, remote little island filled with nasty, evil little men._  
  
_But Cassian isn't here to sight-see. Right now, he needs to be one of those men, and the irony doesn't escape him._  
  
_He's been frozen on this perch for a good three hours. The rain has long since soaked past the protective layer of his jacket. His stomach doesn't feel cold anymore, but only because it reached the same temperature as the mud a long time ago. Most of his body has gone numb by now. He just keeps a careful watch, waiting for the target to step outside. The scene has to be just right. No one but the two of them being pelted by the constant rain. If he gets lucky, it could be a good hour before anyone even realizes something's wrong. Cassian is rarely that lucky. He is good at his job, though, and this is nothing new for him._

 _The doors open. Only one figure steps out. He takes in a deep breath, tries to wipe some of the water off his eyes. Looking through his sights, he quickly confirms the target, a lone man lighting a cigarette. Cassian can't judge. Everyone has their vices.  
  
It's sometime around when a finger presses over the trigger that he realizes what's going on. A cold chill runs through Cassian and, suddenly, he's standing just behind himself. The scene keeps playing out. Horror settles in the pit of his gut, and he realizes he can't move when he tries to step forward. " **No** ," his voice is a soundless plea, " **stop, don't do it.** " The wind and pounding rain carry it away. He knows how this moment will end, inevitably. Nothing Cassian does can stop the chain of events to follow. The man taking a smoke break is a brilliant scientist; a man too dangerous to keep alive. So vulnerable, so unaware of the danger a mere fifty or so feet away. Any further and there'd be no visibility.   
  
Cassian knows the shot will hit its target. Cassian knows the mission will be a success. Cassian knows that, after this, he goes home and continues on even as the poison settles into his gut. This one sticks with him for years to come. He'll get stuck gathering intelligence, till his skin is itching uncomfortably at the emptiness in his own life.   
  
His vision goes white as he hears the muffled shot.   
  
_In real life, Cassian sits up with a start. His breath comes too quickly, chest moving so hard it hurts, throat tight with the scream resting inside. Instinct makes his hand reach out to his side. Only when his hand meets the cool metal of the wall does he finally start to come down, blinking rapidly into the darkness. Fumbling, breathing still rough, he manages to flick on a lamp. The room comes to life immediately. He doesn't recognize it for a minute, before his brain catches up again. Kay is stretched across the foot of the bed. Dark eyes glitter with muted worry at Cassian. The blankets are in a tangled mess around the man's legs, and his nightshirt clings to his skin from sweat. He's both too hot and too cold at once.  
  
His right hand still rests against the wall. For a moment, he stares at it, trying to figure out why he feels so confused. What else did he expect to find beside him?  
  
" _'Nother nightmare?_ " suddenly sounds in his head, like a phantom voice. He pictures a pretty girl in a dingy bar, her smile turning his bones to dust, and he feels immediately like he might be sick. Cassian manages to escape the bed without embarrassing himself, stumbling into the adjoining bathroom like he's drunk. After months undercover in a city, it's too quiet, the air down here is too still. He splashes water on his face till the voices in his head have quieted down enough that he can breathe again.   
  
This is the  _Rogue_ facility of the Yavin IV base. He is the newest member of  _Rogue One._ These are his new rooms. Everything is okay. That mission happened years ago, it's over, it's in his past.  
  
_Except_  -   
  
Cassian sticks his head under the faucet to try and drown it out again.  
  
Everything's quiet when he steps outside a few minutes later. Across the hall, he can just barely make out faint snoring. Kay gives a shake and a yawn, but doesn't seem opposed to being up so early. Cassian curses himself briefly for not stopping to check the time. Crossing timezones and being underground has his internal clock out of order. In front of Jyn's door, he finds himself hesitating a moment, finally moving past it like his feet are made of lead.   
  
He takes the chance to get his bearings of the kitchen. If he had any idea when the others were likely to get up, he might make plans to fix breakfast. As some sort of peace offering. It'll have to wait until he's more familiar with their patterns and likes. So he moves on after finishing off a glass of water, wandering half aimlessly. The training room Jyn pointed out yesterday would be a good way to kill time. Even though Cassian still feels exhausted, he doesn't dare try and sleep after the nightmare. He's used to pushing through this sort of thing.  
  
The lights are dimmer than they were yesterday when they turn on, which he assumes indicates they're tied to the time somehow. He's so caught up in those musings that he doesn't notice he's not the only one awake till he's turned the corner. The windows don't allow much light to filter into the hallway, but he can clearly see the training room through them now. Like she said, it isn't particularly large, maybe a bit bigger than the average living room. Most of the floor is covered in dark mats, with equipment lining the walls. He wonders why the actual space isn't used until his eyes are drawn upward.  
          
The mats make more sense, suddenly.  
  
It's indeed a jungle gym like Jyn had described - horizontal and vertical poles connect the higher training ground. He'd call it an acrobat's station, if he'd really seen one before. Some of it he recognizes from his younger spy days, learning balance and flexibility and maneuverability. This is far more advanced, though. Cassian always preferred keeping his feet planted firm on the ground. He was better at stealth than action movie stunts. 

His eyes scan for the room's current occupant next, finally fixing on a corner clearly set up for meditation. One of the older men - Cassian had forgotten to ask which was which - indeed kneels in the space, hands folded before him, so still he looks more like a statue than a living human being. Cassian lets his eyes drift across the room again. If someone's already using it, he'd prefer to leave them be, especially for a quiet practice like morning meditation. His unfocused mind wonders if the older men ever use the midair contraption. It's hard to imagine. Especially the bigger one. Jyn'd tell him he has no room to talk, given how often he's complained about his back like a man well past his actual age.   
  
Cassian startles as he feels someone approach behind him, probably seeming like a guilty child with how quickly he turns. Kay's head lifts just long enough to survey the situation before setting down again. (Looks like his dog had gotten lazy after all.) It's the taller man, staring down at Cassian with eyes that glitter like streetlights. A voice in the back of his mind tells Cassian that there's something reassuring in the man's countenance. He shakes it off immediately.

"Go ahead," his voice is smoother than his appearance might suggest, almost soft-spoken. He jerks his head toward the door in indication.  
  
Still startled from the sudden presence, Cassian looks back into the room for a few disoriented moments before he finds his voice. "I can wait, it's not problem." He bites back a flinch at the awkwardness of his tone. It's been so long since he was meant to work with anyone, especially not on a regular basis. No one had ever placed him on an actual team before. Living a life where attachments were more hindrance than anything else, he wasn't accustomed to wanting people to like him, or even just accept him. This was uncharted territory.   
  
The man doesn't give Cassian much of a chance to change his mind. A large hand claps firmly onto Cassian's shoulder (he'd never admit to the small  _yelp_ he let slip) as he was steered inside the room. Cassian was luckily uninterested in resisting, because he doubted he'd be able. He wasn't released till they'd approached the meditating man, where Cassian froze on the spot, uncertainty growing. Anxiety was nagging at the back of his head again. 

A water bottle is set down before the man, though he doesn't twitch. His partner gives a snort of muted aggravation. (Cassian doesn't see wedding bands on either, but trusts what Jyn told him beforehand, which  _should_  go against his better judgement.) "Chirrut," he nudges the man's knee with a booted foot, pausing to see if he gets a response. He repeats the name louder when he goes ignored, adding, "time's up."  
  
_"Chirrut_ " stays frozen a heartbeat longer before heaving a sigh, stretching lazily, cat-like. The tank-top he's wearing now reveals the lithe muscles previously hidden, as well as numerous faint scars. He moves a little more gingerly on his right side, something Cassian had missed the previous day. Ice blue eyes open and fix dead ahead of him. "So impatient, this one," he directs his words to Cassian, who startles, "he simply can't stand it if I meditate a second longer than we agreed on. As if it isn't important." He stretches again, rolling his shoulders carefully. Cassian refrains from a comment regarding personal views on meditation. It seems like it would be counterproductive, even though Baze's scoff goes ignored.  
  
Mainly because there's a sharpness to Chirrut's words. Baze had yet to show any irritation with Cassian, but something in Chirrut's tone suggests crossness.   
  
Cassian swallows down a spike of fear. Obviously, the whole team knew enough of what happened with Galen, but he wondered just how much they knew of his past with Jyn. He feels faint annoyance that she seems so keen on honesty  _now._ It gets shoved away again immediately, because thinking about that meant he wasn't putting it behind him, and doing so was more necessary than before. Cassian refused to be the reason his appointment to this team failed - especially if, pitifully, it meant a chance to still be in her life.  
  
Baze spoke up just in time to distract him from his own stupidity. 

"Things were too hectic yesterday," a frown pulls his mouth downward. They all tense subtly at the memory of the encounter. Baze continues on quickly. "Bodhi is a passionate man - "  
  
"Like you," Chirrut interjects cheerfully. Baze shoots him a sour look, and Cassian feels like there's a story to the comment.

" - And Galen Erso inspired that in him. But so does Jyn." The man studies Cassian blatantly. Cassian realizes this is one reason he already likes Baze; no time is wasted on hiding things, it's all out and open and honest. There aren't enough people like that. Cassian can be reassured that if Baze decides to hate him, Baze will make it clear. "She speaks highly of you," there's a hesitation in Baze's voice. Chirrut stiffens more noticeably this time. "He'll follow her lead, given time."  
  
They  _definitely_ know. Fantastic.  
  
"She's an incredible woman," Cassian doesn't really care where this ends anymore. Wherever this goes next, it isn't a ride he wants to continue on, because it will only make him feel miserable. He forces a tight smile, already shifting backward. "I look forward to working with both of you, but there's things I need to see to now, so if you'll excuse me - " Cassian doesn't actually give them the chance to argue. They probably don't actually care if he stays or not, anyways.  
  
He reaches the door in half the strides it took earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from not over you - gavin degraw
> 
> next chapter will probably be up soon, i realized when i finished writing this that it was too long already to put all my other ideas with it
> 
> thank you to everyone who's dropped kudos/commented/read!!!!! i appreciate all of it and it helps my anxiety-ridden ass keep going


	4. and i can picture it after all these days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a conversation between leia and jyn in the wee hours + a team meeting that, honestly, could have been much worse, really

Leia dumps a giant pile of papers on her desk, opening up the only other chair for her early guest. Inside, Jyn knows it's mornings like this that make Leia regret giving full office access, but finds it difficult to care. They've always been friends like this. Barging into each other's lives and spaces without warning or permission, demanding immediate attention. There's no better representation than Leia sweeping up to the door of Jyn's cell with her white gown flaring like angel's wings.  
  
Not that Jyn would ever confess that association aloud. Much less to Leia herself.  
  
"Neither of us really expected it to be a  _smooth_ transition," Leia continues their conversation matter-of-fact, already tapping something on her datapad. The wicked never rest - which means they rarely do, either. "I thought things went fairly well with you, and you were convinced that it would be a disaster. And to think you swore that he hated you." Jyn opens her mouth to interject, but Leia raises a hand, beating her to it. "Don't even start giving me some excuse about  _he's a nice guy._ I can't take anymore of that. And I  _know_ \- " she cuts off Jyn's alternate point with an eye roll, "he's just doing his job. Remember that the same should be said for you.  _Rogue One_ would jump into the pits of Hell if you asked them, they'll fall into line."  
  
Jyn fidgets for a moment. They've definitely spoken too much about this over the last few months. She hadn't actually believed Leia'd assign Cassian with the team until things actually got set into motion. Suddenly, she'd been forced to face the past she was moving on from. Explaining why Kay had been with her while he was gone would have been difficult enough.   
  
"Bodhi's pretty headstrong," subconsciously, she chews on her lip as she thinks. Her eyes fix to a random spot on the wall just for something to focus on. "Don't even get me  _started_  on Chirrut. He'll generally listen to me, at least, but he tacks on that  _I-know-more-than-you_ attitude and it's insufferable. And Cassian - " Jyn sucks in a deeper breath than necessary. Just saying his name feels like a sucker punch to the gut. "Well, he isn't always easy to like. He doesn't really do people."And she can't help but smile at that, the familiar tug between her lungs as memories flood past her. Cassian was so awkward when they first met, she wasn't quite certain it would even go anywhere.  
  
She doesn't think about the fact it might've been better if it hadn't. She isn't going there. Being positive is key.  
  
Leia, to her credit, doesn't call Jyn out on getting distracted. Her lips purse for a moment, thumbing through some of the scattered reports on her desk. Gaze flicking between her friend and her actual work. Silence passes for a heavy few minutes, before Leia's voice quietly breaks it. "I never actually asked. Do you think he's someone you can share the leadership with?" Her head stays tilted down now, frozen in place. There's a hesitance to her tone. Jyn places it as something between guilt and embarrassment immediately.  
  
"Yeah," she twirls her hair around her finger, grimacing when she catches the movement, "we made a good couple for a while."  
  
The  _till I fucked it up, anyways_ , hangs unsaid between them. Leia clears her throat to dispel it, leveling Jyn with a forcefully stern look, nails tapping sharply against the surface of her desk. What isn't covered by reports, that is. (Most of them made by Jyn or otherwise pertaining to Jyn's team.) "Well, you two need to make a good  _work_ couple, now. We've both read enough of his record to agree you should be able to manage that." After Jyn gives a reluctant nod, Leia squares her shoulders and stands up straight again. "He's registered in the system now. Give him his door code after he wakes up." She pauses as Jyn rises. "Is it too soon to have the team give him his new callsign?" Her head tilts to the side, honestly considering the question. 

Jyn's lips quirk toward an involuntary smile. They'd chosen one another's callsigns well after the team was formed, and it created an important air of comradery. "Probably. But we have less than a week before our next mission, so he needs to get it sooner rather than later." She sweeps a hand through her hair, pushing it back out of her face as best she can, shrugging as she lets her words sink in. "Hopefully today will go better than yesterday did."  
  
"And hopefully those bruises of yours heal soon," Jyn must give her a surprised look, because Leia scowls like a scolding mother. "Don't think I haven't noticed you flexing your hand out all morning. Put some ice on that damn thing, before I call in one of the medics to check it out."  
  
"Bite my ass," Jyn responds sweetly, exiting the room before Leia can throw a stapler at her (again).  
 

* * *

  
The morning is slow. Bodhi trudges out from the hallway at exactly 6:30 AM, responds to the offer of breakfast with a groaned " _coffee_ ," then collapses face first onto the sectional as soon as the mug is in his hands. Cassian doesn't even get the chance to ask how Bodhi prefers it. There's also the distinct possibility Bodhi didn't realize who he was even talking to. So far, Jyn's breakdown of the rest of the team had been spot on. Cassian's begun to wonder when  _she_ plans to get up when the door slides open.  
  
He hasn't even looked up by the time the song starts. If it hadn't been for late night bar trips, Cassian might not recognize it. Jyn gives a groan of frustration, fixing a glare on Bodhi's previously motionless form, which has begun to shake with silent laughter.  
  
"You did not," she deadpans as the door clicks into place again behind her.  
  
"Hey," Bodhi lifts his chin enough to meet her accusing gaze, " _Fighter_ was definitely the better of the two songs." His snickering soon fills the room as a pillow is thrown at his face. He uses it to prop himself into a more upright position, and Cassian realizes late that the choice is meant to be some kind of jab, based off how the smugness grows on Bodhi's face when he realizes Cassian's paying attention. Cassian decides to ignore it in favor of greeting Jyn. Her cheeks are flush with minor aggravation, but she gives a tight smile in return nonetheless. She pops two slices of bread in the toaster before ducking off into one of the nearby rooms. Baze throws an apple - very pointedly - at her when she reappears to grab her toast.  
  
(When she finally finishes with whatever morning task she was up to, Cassian notices she discretely returns the apple to the fruit bowl.)  
  
He's just finished cleaning up his dishes when she drops onto one of the bar stools along the island's far side. She holds out a post-it between two fingers, explaining only after he's hesitantly accepted it. "Your code. The last digit goes up a number. That way, if anyone finds this, they can't use it to get in. Just make sure to memorize it right." Cassian nods in understanding, gingerly tucking the paper away for a later date. "You can pick up your new datapad later today. I usually issue reports in physical form, but Leia's not picky. She'll be bogged down either way." A flicker of amusement passes in Jyn's eyes. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she taps out something on her own datapad. She indicates for him to follow her with a short tilt of her head.  
  
Things fall silent as they assume seats on the sofa, and Cassian wishes there was more separated seating. Chirrut and Baze's focus immediately goes to her. Bodhi as well turns to face Jyn, finally sitting up properly, though he keeps shooting glares in Cassian's direction.  
  
She makes a few more taps before speaking, chin rising halfway through to meet their attention. (It's funny - he always thought she commanded any room she walked into.) "Orion mission is still set for five days from now. We need to pick up supplies before then. No more incidents where we get back from a tough one, just to discover we're nearly out of peanut butter, okay?" The nods she gets all seem to border on sheepish. Cassian raises his eyebrows, but manages to keep quiet. "Cassian's in the system now, so - "  
  
"I'm not inputting him into the family room," Bodhi speaks up sharply, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
To her credit, Jyn doesn't react much to his interruption. Her nostrils flare as she takes in a breath. "And we'll discuss that later." Their gazes stay locked for a second or two longer. Then she glances back to her datapad, and Bodhi relaxes again. "He  _is_ going on the mission with us, though, because we need him for that." Here she pauses as if she expects an argument. No one provides one. Satisfied, she catches Cassian's eye, a wordless check-in. She continues once he's nodded. "We'll catch him up to speed on that later. For now," Jyn taps her fingers along the top of her datapad, "we have to figure out his callsign."  
  
It isn't one of Cassian's finer moments. The words have scarcely left her mouth before his has opened, response spilling out without even considering it. "I use the  _Fulcrum_ sign." His answer is a practiced one he's given a hundred times. The tension that envelops the air afterward baffles Cassian, who wonders briefly if maybe he'd gotten his words mixed up.  
  
Chirrut, carefully, knocks his staff against Cassian's knees. "You aren't a solo spy anymore." The words sound like they're pushed through the older man's teeth. "You're a  _Rogue One_ operative. We assign these to one another." He nods around the circle they've created. The faces Cassian's met with are all frowns. Bodhi's eyes are narrowed, hackles visibly raised. There's disappointment in the set of Baze's jaw. Chirrut seems honestly more like a scolding grandfather than anything else.   
  
Cassian realizes in a rush the implication - that he hasn't stopped to think about the team, or maybe that he wants a separation from it. His cheeks flush in embarrassment. "Oh, uh, right," he tries to keep his gulp subtle.  _Fulcrum_ was in his past for the time being. Jyn is cringing visibly when he glances to her, further confirming that he'd mistakenly stepped on a hornet's nest. The look she sends his way is one of sympathy.  
  
"We could call him  _Rogue Killer._ " Bodhi's tone is even sharper than before. "Or  _Rogue Jackass."_  
  
The silence feels like cactus needles as Jyn glares Bodhi down. The man murmurs something that might be an insincere apology, sinking further into the couch. She clears her throat, as if the action can dispel the room's conflict. Cassian knows it's a bad sign that no one offers any actual suggestions. Maybe they just honestly have none, or maybe he's already managed to outcast himself, made them unwilling to bring him into their circle. He'd been expecting this, but hadn't predicted how the rejection affects him. It's hard to say if their reactions are fair or not. Their only expectations for him come from a somewhat biased source.  
  
(Jyn always  _got_ him, understood what made him tick and where he'd come up short. She knew not to take to heart his accidental implications. Their preparations might be for someone who was better at this, who could handle these interactions, someone they could like.)  
  
"Let's just go with  _Rogue Captain,_ " she finally offers, speaking more to herself than she is them. "It's a good homage to his connection to the Alliance." Bodhi begins to speak, but Jyn cuts the comment off before it can begin with a single look. Cassian's been on the receiving end of her glares enough times to feel a spark of pity. Jyn seemingly inputs the callsign before she takes a deep breath, looking up to meet each of their individual gazes, hair falling into her eyes. She ignores it as she starts to speak, indicating as she speaks about every person. "I'm  _Rogue Leader._ Home base is  _Rogue Command_ if we're on a mission. Bodhi's  _Rogue Pilot_ ; Chirrut and Baze are  _Rogue Guardians_ ; Kay is  _Rogue Companion."_ The aforementioned dog sits up straighter at the mention. She sends a soft smile in Kay's direction, noticing the reaction as well.  
  
Cassian forces himself to think about his question before asking it, putting purposeful sincerity in his voice. "Why do they not have separate signs?"

"I suggested calling him  _Rogue Idiot,_ " Baze muses, tone cheerful even as he sighs, "she decided on  _Guardians_ right after." The large man gives a shrug, as if he truly can't imagine why Jyn would make that decision. Chirrut gives a scoff beside him. There's fondness in the words, prompting a smile from Cassian, who can't resist the faint tugging of past memories. The good-natured bickering between Chirrut and Baze is enough to make even Bodhi relax some. They've obviously been married for years, long enough they match together like novelty coffee cups. Not so much two halves of a whole as they are a corresponding pair.  
  
It successfully dissolves some of the aggression still in the air. Jyn taps the top of her datapad after a few moments, dragging everyone's attention back. Her frame isn't pulled as tightly now. He remembers what Leia said, about how his position was meant to be as a co-leader, and wonders if the role weighs as heavily on Jyn as he suspects. "Baze and Chirrut can make the supply run. Bodhi, you and I need to arrange for the equipment we'll need for the mission." All three nod affirmatively. Bodhi's hands, which seem to perpetually shake, begin tapping as if Bodhi's preparing a mental list. "Cassian - " he startles a little at his name, back straightening, "set up your space in that office. Leia will kill you if she hears you're working in your bedroom. It's one of her rules." She motions sideways to the room. "Be expecting information packs and records from her on the team." Her eyes lift to him as she finishes, checking for his agreement. Cassian earns a smile for his nod.   
  
She stands then, about to break up the meeting, when Chirrut suddenly speaks. 

"They requested me for a training exercise today. I won't have time to go with Baze," though the man can't see it, Jyn's eyebrows raise, the picture of disbelief. He must sense it, since he quickly adds, "might I suggest Captain Andor help him instead?"  
  
Captain Andor. Not  _Cassian._ It's a start.  
  
Jyn taps out a rhythm across her knuckles for a few moments, wincing once and shifting her hands. He makes a note to ask if she's injured later. She's lost in thought, mentally rearranging the schedule she'd created, chewing on her lip again. "Might need to pick up supplies for himself anyways," her mumbling is just barely loud enough that he makes out what she says. Reaching her decision, she turns to Cassian quickly. "That alright?" She holds her datapad to her chest as she waits.   
  
He glances briefly to check Baze's reaction, relaxing when he finds it's comfortably neutral. "Sounds good." 

Giving a long stretch, Jyn glances over each of them with gentle scrutiny. "There. Off to work everyone." Bodhi bounces onto his heels, scurrying down the hallway again. Jyn follows at a more casual pace. The next one to move is Chirrut, who quietly murmurs something to Baze, disappearing a moment later in the direction of the training room. Baze considers Cassian for a moment longer.

"Ready when you are," Baze finally says.  
  
Cassian realizes with a start that Baze is putting the lead - the very small, harmless lead - into his hands. His throat is tight as he manages out a nod in response, rising to his own feet at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is from all too well - taylor swift
> 
> i always like to picture jyn and leia being kids when they were friends, especially in modern settings. she definitely taught leia how to throw a punch. (and if it wasn't made clear before, jyn was arrested by the alliance around a year before the story starts, leia got her out and got her working for them)


	5. and hold you like i used to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first part picks up shortly after chapter 4 left off
> 
> gearing up for their first mission together
> 
> title from why am i the one - fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JEEZ i meant to write this DAYS ago but ended up not having the time, energy, or both to do it until now, so sorry for that

Cassian's outing with Baze goes well. The Alliance supplies most things necessary to the function of the team, while they're left to buy or order most everything else themselves. Baze, somehow, keeps a mental inventory of everything they need. The man also seems to know exactly which store they'll get the best deals at, which means bouncing between several of them. It's at the third store that Cassian questions the credit card Baze keeps using. He's curious just how much money the Alliance funds  _Rogue One_ with.  
  
He doesn't question it again after he gets the answer.  
  
("Probably not much," Baze grumbles, tucking the card safely away again, "Jyn just handed it to me one day and told me not to worry.")  
  
They make small talk at first, but Cassian soon finds that the silence with Baze is comfortable. Their last stop is a farmer's market, where Baze happily sets Cassian free, and a good half their time away is lost there.   
  
He's still plotting out meals he can make in his head when they finally return. Leia's heading into her office as they pass by, talking to someone on a phone, and she gives them both bright smiles. Cassian even finds himself returning the expression. This change is starting to feel pleasant. Interactions with Draven and other agents had always felt stunted, disconnected from the actual people involved.  _Rogue One_ \- and General Organa - are both freeing and terrifying for the ways they differ from this. Cassian manages to balance the bags he's carrying long enough to input his code, heaving a sigh of relief that he gets it right.   
  
The  _mistake_ is stepping through the doors first. Immediately, at an almost deafening level, a pop melody springs to life. Cassian almost drops his bags he startles so hard, head whipping around in his momentary confusion. Gently, Baze knocks into his shoulder to snap him out of it. They've set their bags down by the time someone comes to investigate.  
  
It's Jyn, stepping out from the left-hand hallway, dressed in workout clothes with a towel around her neck. She frowns for a second, eyes flicking from them to the door. The music is still blasting at full volume. Too loud for Cassian to make out many of the lyrics, though he has to concede to the catchy tune. "I see Bodhi's been hard at work," He calls out to Jyn, letting the corners of his lips turn up, voice strained to be heard above the singing. Baze gives a snort nearby, silently directing Cassian to where things are meant to be put up. The pantry is very easily longer than Cassian is tall. Catching sight of five unopened jars of peanut butter, Cassian is reminded of the morning's earlier comment, and he makes a mental note to ask for the story later. The three jars they picked up today soon join them.  
  
He also figures it won't be hard to win the team with his cooking, if they genuinely go through that much peanut butter.  
  
Jyn approaches a little slowly, playing with the towel's edge. "I wouldn't take that song as much of a compliment, if I were you," she winces, directing her attention from Cassian to the counter, "Kay's pettiness definitely rubbed off on him." Leaning forward, she unpacks part of a bag to hand it to Baze.   
  
For a second, he actually freezes up as he's regarding her. The tank-top she's wearing clings to her back with sweat, exposing the firm muscles along her arms, along with the strength he can see in her shoulders. Her skin is flushed from exertion, hair plastered to her head. She looks like a sweaty mess in desperate need of a shower. Cassian isn't convinced she's ever looked more beautiful, something so authentically  _Jyn_ in that moment. He clears his throat in hopes it will clear his mind as well.  
  
"Any preference about where to put the garlic?" Cassian asks.  
 

* * *

  
Four days (and one private mission briefing) later, Cassian gets his first look at their communications room.  
  
He can only blink at first, reeling from the difference. It's dark enough that his eyes demand a few moments to adjust. There's a long row of computers across one of the long walls; the other is covered in various types of maps and notes, presumably regarding their upcoming mission. The farthest wall features a screen nearly as big as the great room's TV. Bodhi takes a seat at a nearby monitor as they all file in, typing at the speed of light. Cassian sticks close to Jyn as the door seals shut again.   
  
"Ready to go," Bodhi tells them all, chair spinning to look at Jyn. A headset now sits lopsided atop his head.  
  
"Maybe we'll see Bodhi's boyfriend," Chirrut muses cheerfully. Bodhi sends the older couple a rude gesture.  
  
Jyn balances her datapad against her stomach, easily the most serious face in the room. (Bodhi's face has gone comically red, even in the limited blue lighting, and the Guardians both look smug.) She gives Bodhi a tight nod. After a couple of seconds, the screen comes to life. The man on the other side of their video call wears an Alliance issued uniform, sergeant's insignia visible on his shoulder, and he straightens up as it begins.  
  
"Sergeant Murloch," she steps forward, nodding in polite greeting, "good to see you again. I'd like to introduce you to Captain Andor," Cassian takes a step up now at her motioning, "consider him the liaison between us and your operatives." Cassian swallows his correction of  _soldiers_ , knowing from days prior that _Rogue One_ doesn't often use the same terminology as the Alliance, which in itself mirrors military terminology.  
  
The two men regard each other calmly for a few moments. Murloch is the first to nod, the shadow of a smile he wears matching his five o'clock shadow. "Glad to hear you'll be joining us, sir. Should help my men to be receiving orders from you. I've had some problems with them in the past over this."  
  
There's silence for a minute.  
  
Cassian's caught up on this. They've worked with Sergeant Murloch's unit on several past missions. They respect him as a comrade, maybe even trust him some.  _Rogue One_  will be taking the lead, per usual. And, like most every unit, there was discontentment to be taking orders from a woman whose rank in the Alliance was honorary at best. It was to be expected. When he glances around, no one else seems to have reacted to the comment, though Cassian finds Bodhi is studying him curiously. He raises his eyes back to the screen, straightening to his full height before he answers. Voice cool and calm.  
  
"If your men need me to repeat all of Lieutenant Erso's well-calculated orders for them to follow, the  _problem_ is with your men, not us."  
  
Jyn's gaze snaps to him, mouth dropping open in surprise. Off to her side, Bodhi jolts, expression torn between being startled and impressed. Chirrut's head tilts toward Cassian, renewed intrigue in the man's features. Baze just stares at him with wide eyes. On screen, Sergeant Murloch looks much the same. The man's mouth opens and closes a few times without any words filtering out.   
  
The issue has been bugging Cassian for days now.  _Good_ soldiers wouldn't have any trouble answering to someone of Jyn's skill and history.  _Good_ soldiers also wouldn't struggle to take orders from a woman, which Cassian suspects everyone ducked around admitting being part of the problem. Any of the other team members couldn't say as much without putting Jyn in an awkward position. If Cassian was meant to be her equal, her partner in this, then he was able to speak out where they couldn't.   
  
"In any case," Cassian feigns a disinterested shrug, "we should make sure everyone's on the same page about the Orion mission."

"Yes," Sergeant Murloch manages it out after an awkward pause, suddenly unable to meet Cassian or Jyn's eyes. Cassian's lips twitch toward a smile. "Let's get to that now."  
 

* * *

  
The cargo plane they fly in isn't the smoothest ride Cassian's ever been on, by far. Bodhi grumbled for the first half an hour about not being able to pilot, till finally dozing off with his head on Jyn's lap. They all doze in-and-out for the majority of the flight. Between waking at one in the morning to take off in the first place, and the comforting weight of Kay's head on Cassian's leg, he finds it hard to keep his eyes open. 

Jyn's whistle wakes him again after a while. The plane is lit broadly now, sunlight catching in her eyes and making them glint like a prowling cat's. Bodhi sits up with a long yawn. Beside Cassian, Baze rolls his shoulders, muttering something about being stiff from sitting still too long. "Group up," Jyn calls out, unbuckling to cross the space to their side, "and wake Chirrut up, please." She jerks her head to the still sleeping man. (Chirrut had settled down and passed out before they were even in the air.) Bodhi follows her more clumsily. The two lean back against the container of supplies  _Rogue One_ was bringing with them, within talking distance.  
  
Baze follows the request by knocking his shoulder roughly to his partner. Chirrut twitches once, maybe twice, but doesn't move till Baze repeats the motion. The man groans, rolling away. "The Force awakens," Baze proclaims, tone humored, smirking.

"The Force needs five minutes," Chirrut shoots back, speech slurred. He curls up on his other side without hesitation.  
  
Cassian catches Jyn's eyes as she bites back her laughter.  _The Force,_ he mouths, confusion clear on his face.  
  
 _Don't ask_  Bodhi and Jyn both mouth back, the latter visibly more amused. Bodhi actually looks somewhat pained.   
  
After a good three minutes of squabbling and shoving, Baze gets Chirrut to sit up and pay attention. Jyn has to swallow her laughter again, clearing her throat just a little too long, hazel eyes sparkling. "We'll just have to go through it again with Murloch's team, but I want to go over our plans one more time." They all sober up fast. Chirrut still appears a bit disgruntled, but Cassian can tell the man is just as focused as the rest of them. Cassian knows this word-for-word by now. But his heart still pounds erratically, unreasonably nervous as he stares in the face of his first mission with the team. "You'll be part of the main fighting and distraction force. Try to keep everyone - good and bad guys alike - grouped up to one area. Intel suggests there should be plenty of weapons crates. Let Murloch's men keep the enemy distracted - "  
  
"While we destroy the weapons." Baze finishes, calm and poised.  
  
"Blow things up?" Bodhi is, in contrast, all too eager. He gives Jyn a look that could put begging puppies everywhere to shame.  
  
She can't seem to help the smile, reaching out to ruffle Bodhi's hair. "Blow up everything you can," Jyn confirms, switching serious again afterward. Her eyes lock on Cassian's and he sits up straighter. "Kay stays with all of you. Cassian and I will get to their main equipment, determine just what this crime ring has tucked away. Once we've assessed the situation we need to get out of there. This isn't a mission to take their entire operation down." She steadies each of them a look of steel. "Do not shoot to kill. Distract them, but with as few causalities as possible." Most of  _Rogue One_ nods affirmatively at her words.  
  
Cassian, on the other hand, stutters to a complete halt. They hadn't gone over that part. "I'm sorry," Jyn looks to him, meeting his disbelief, " _don't_ shoot to kill?" He looks around for help, only to find everyone's regarding him just as blankly, and his sudden apprehension mounts. "Isn't it better to just - eliminate as much of the threat as possible?"

They all frown. Bodhi scoffs, and while he doesn't say anything for once, the comment doesn't need to be spoken. Cassian's stomach twists. After a moment, Jyn answers him. "We try not to kill when possible." She hesitates a second, voice lower as she adds, "we've seen more than our share of murder." Cassian is fairly certain he flinches, even though she probably doesn't mean it as a jab. He tries to find a way to argue that, but he can't come up with a good enough reason, realizing fast he's the only one against this. So instead he just swallows it back, finally nods at her.  
  
It doesn't mean he won't do what's necessary to protect them. (To protect her.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspiration for jyn having an alliance rank/struggling at times with alliance soldiers not wanting to follow her comes from smth i read about being in the rogue one novelization i think 
> 
> "the force needs five more minutes" scene part was requested by my mom and, well, who am i to deny such a golden idea, esp considering she listens so patiently to me rambling about this story constantly
> 
> this is the heaviest foreshadowing i've done so far for Someone getting hurt during the mission, which should be in the next chapter


	6. it might be just too much to bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some time skips involved; jyn and cassian talk after the orion mission, and snippets from the actual mission itself
> 
> the title is from: you don't know her like i do - brantley gilbert

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YIKES THIS TOOK FOREVER sorry about that, more notes at the end

The silence is choking in the great room as he sits there, staring into nothing, standing out starkly against the white couch. He leans forward with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped before him. Cassian's expression is unreadable; his silhouette pulled into a sharp angle.   
  
And she knows this image well. God, does she know it. Once upon a time, she'd sworn she'd never be the reason for it. She swore a lot of things.  
  
She falls onto the couch nearby too harshly, flinching at the way the movement jars her body. His attention immediately lands on her. Eyes scanning her, like he's making sure she's alright, and his  _awareness_ is more painful on her than any blow could be. Jyn swallows back all the bad things that try to take control of her mind. This is the here and now and the here and now is her redemption, when she tries to repair all the damage she's dealt to the world in general. Things are okay. She takes in a couple of slow breaths, repeats it in her mind till she's reasonably convinced of it. Then she holds out a beer bottle to Cassian and tries for a smile. It comes out all wrong, she knows, can see it in the flash across his face as he accepts the beer for her.  
  
They twist the tops off in continued silence. She's the first to break it; she always is, constantly more high-maintenance than Cassian, the first to cave whenever something's wrong between them. This time is a different kind of wrong from what they've experienced.  
  
"That went pretty well, all things considered," Jyn tries for a casual air to her voice. And she means it.  
  
He, obviously, doubts the sincerity. Cassian's eyes land on her again, disbelief and exasperation both clear on his face. His gaze flicks to her wrist, side, knee, before up again to meet hers. "I wouldn't call that  _well_ , Jyn." There's something clipped in his voice. The tension from the mission still clinging to him. A short clamor sounds in the distance, behind the tightly closed doors of the family room. She doesn't try to guess what it might have been.  
  
"Given our track record?" She takes a second swig of her beer, barely tasting the liquid on her tongue. (For the better - it's the cheap American kind that Leia's boyfriend sent them a  _ridiculous_ amount of roughly a year ago. The only thing that made the taste worth it was the look Leia got every time Jyn brought her a bottle.) "Hell, we all nearly died on our first mission together." Jyn thumbs at the label as she carefully rolls her shoulders. She doesn't add that she still isn't certain how  _Rogue One_ made it out alive, or that she still has a scar over her hip from it, or that Bodhi still wakes up with visions of grenades more nights than not.  
  
It predictably doesn't seem to make Cassian feel any better. He runs a hand roughly through his hair, eyes squeezing tightly closed for a few breaths. She isn't good at this. Reassuring Cassian had seemed so much easier when they were together. All the danger he imagined her in had been just that - imaginary. How he still had the capacity to worry about her was well beyond Jyn, and it terrified her just a little.   
  
"They hate me," he suddenly opens with, pointedly changing the topic. She falters openly. "I don't fit in here."  
  
She picks at the label again for a few seconds. He wasn't necessarily  _wrong_ , but Cassian certainly wasn't  _right_  either. "That's ... the beauty, I guess?" Cautiously, she tilts her head to glance sideways at him, her gaze darting away from his eyes immediately. "None of us really fit. We just work together, like mismatched gears in a clock or something." She wants to leave it there. Reassuring speeches aren't her specialty. But when she glances over again, there's an amused twinkle in Cassian's eye, and he has one eyebrow raised questioningly. Jyn feels herself flush, rubs the back of her neck with her good hand. "Chirrut's analogy, not mine." She offers in grumbled explanation. It sounds silly when she thinks over it again.  
  
But it works; Cassian seems just a little more relaxed, calmer. He plays with his beer bottle absentmindedly. She doesn't think he's taken so much as a sip from it yet, which is ridiculous, because they did the job and  _then some._ Tonight was a night for celebrating.   
  
Granted, the Orion mission left a lot more to unpack than she'd initially predicted.  
 

* * *

  
_**[Three days prior]** _

"Sergeant Murloch," Jyn greets as they all disembark the truck that brought them to the campsite. It's a mish-mash of tents and tables and boxes of supplies. Cassian seems visibly relieved by the order and familiarity of the set-up.  
  
Murloch shakes her hand firmly in greeting, then Cassian's, and simply nods to the rest. Chirrut stands tall with his staff clasped casually in both hands. In contrast, Bodhi seems far more jittery beside the Guardians. Murloch begins to lead them into the camp, clear-voiced as he goes through the basic explanations, and with a single flick of her hand Jyn motions Bodhi to stay close. He seems relieved by the silent instruction. Shoulders pulled tight, he sticks to her like a shadow as they're led to the command tent.  
  
"Our source on the inside has gone quiet. We think he got spooked and ran. All surveillance devices were already recalled. We'll be going in blind," Murloch relays to a tight-lipped Lieutenant Erso. Cassian shifts casually beside her and they meet eyes in silent communication;  _I have a bad feeling about this._  From the way the sergeant's eyebrows stay pulled, the feeling seems to be completely mutual. He spreads out a basic map of the compound for them to look over. Bodhi glances at it once, swallows tightly, then turns sharply and begins setting up a tablet they brought with them. The Guardians are now nowhere to be seen, but Kay hovers obediently by the entrance.   
  
(Five minutes into their time discussing how this will effect the mission, Jyn pulls a treat from one of her pockets and tosses it to the dog without even a glance. Bodhi gives a snort of amusement as Cassian simply smiles wryly.)  
  
The rest of the day is mostly a blur of preparing the operatives under Murloch's command. The only real reprieve is when a young private eagerly approaches their group - more specifically, approaches Bodhi, clearly friendly. Bodhi stammers and blushes through the entire encounter. Even Cassian can't resist a few passing comments following it. ("You have good taste, at least," he interjects to one particular  _Tease Bodhi Relentlessly_ session, earning a few sharp expletives from the team member in question.) They're soon distracted again, but smug grins are sent his way every time that private appears again.  
  
("He isn't as cute as Luke, though," Jyn muses as they all stretch out their bags on empty bunks that night.  
  
"Shut  _up,_ " Bodhi groans at her, mumbling something about  _I never should have told you about that_  under his breath.  
  
Jyn's snickering doesn't quite die down for a good half an hour.)  
 

* * *

    
 ** _[Two days later: Orion mission commences]_**  
  
The sounds of exchanged fire nearly drown out Cassian and Jyn's voices as they attempt to communicate, sneaking easily behind enemy lines. The hard part is every time Cassian raises a gun at one of the gang's soldiers, gritting his teeth as he aims somewhere nonfatal, just to remove his finger from the trigger as Jyn steps in. It's a little terrifying how quickly she knocks them down, given how many nights he slept beside her ignorantly.   
  
"Just around this corner, we should find their weapon's stash," she shoots over her shoulder to him, further away from the gunshots and yelling and able to speak more normally. "We get in, assess what they've got, and - "  
  
Her voice cuts off the moment she turns the corner. Cassian wants to yank her back, because her stance has completely relaxed as an expression of shock overtakes her face. He bites back a curse and moves to stand beside her, prepared to snap at her for letting her guard down, when his eyes land on  _it_ and the words die in his throat.  
  
"Is that - " She starts, the horror he hadn't noticed before shining in her eyes.  
  
Cassian gives a tense nod, mind already running nightmare scenarios, gun hand lowering to his side. "Missile launcher," he confirms somberly.   
  
Jyn takes a sharp gulp beside him, twisting to look back toward the fighting. They're supposed to be in-and-out. The unit is equipped with enough ammo to last through a decently long shooting match, but they're not prepared to take the compound, and they'd never be able to defend it. The two of them meet eyes slowly. Without breaking the contact, Jyn raises her left wrist to her mouth. Her jaw is set hard enough the sight makes Cassian's hurt. She turns on the communicator, words clipped as she speaks into it. "Change of plans,  _Pilot._ Start blowing everything you can get your hands on.  _Captain_ and I are going to be a while."

It sounds like Bodhi gives a  _whoop_ of satisfaction on the other end. Cassian thinks it's really concerning that  _no one_ stops to ask them what's going on. Missions must change entirely too frequently for this team. (That seems fitting, actually.)  
  
"We're going to destroy all their weapons," Jyn says, an odd tone of ice covering her voice. Her eyes settle with hateful intent on the missile launcher in the distance. "I'm not leaving here till it's all gone." There's a cold certainty in her delivery that makes Cassian frown. She spins on her heel to collect the bags they dropped around the corner. He watches after her, wondering for a few moments what's set her so on edge, why this suddenly feels more personal. Then the memory hits him.  
  
Draven's voice sounds sharply inside Cassian's mind as his eyes fix on Jyn's back. " _Saw Gerrera trained her, according to our intel._ " The general was droning, scowling down at a file clutched in his hands. " _The girl has to be at least half feral, raised by that guerrilla-rebel bastard. Grew up in some of the worst parts of the world with war surrounding her on all sides._ " He'd looked up at Cassian then, like he'd expected the spy to express the same level of disgust. Cassian vaguely remembers being tempted to punch the general over the roar of blood.  
  
"Are you going to help or not?" Jyn snaps at him, digging recklessly through the bag of various explosives. She shoots him a foul look, some of her fringe sticking to the sides of her face, and it's enough to snap him from his memories. He considers her in another new light for the first time.  
  
 _We've seen more than our share of murder,_  she'd said during their flight. He'd taken it like it had been a soft jab.

Cassian felt less certain of that, in hindsight.  
 

* * *

  
"That was stupid," Cassian speaks suddenly, finally taking a swig of his beer. Jyn's snapped from her thoughts quickly enough it startles her, only blinking at him for a moment. He doesn't seem able to look at her anymore. "You could have gotten yourself killed."  
  
It sinks in what he's talking about. The memory is more a blur of adrenaline than anything else for Jyn. The soldiers had found them planting the bombs and opened fire. There'd been just one more to plant and the stupid thing would undoubtedly be rendered inoperable. Cassian had been yelling at her to just leave it, get out while they still had the chance, but he was already in the clear enough that she didn't  _care._ One of them got a decent shot in to her side just as she'd finished planting the device. The fall had fractured her wrist and nearly dislocated her knee, but she'd survived. They yelled into their comms for Bodhi to blow it as soon as they'd stumbled far enough away.  
  
Cassian had been livid the entire flight back to base - which was where they immediately headed. The wound was little more than a graze, but it hit her halfway home that he'd been scared. She had scared him. And Bodhi snapping at Cassian, blaming the man for her getting herself hurt, had far from helped matters. To credit, Cassian had simply stared Bodhi down in sharp silence the entire time. It had been a quiet flight after that. Everyone seemed to have settled down by the time Medical had discharged her.   
  
(Well,  _mostly._ Baze and Bodhi both sailed into her for being an idiot. And Leia came sweeping in wearing a cocktail dress to chew Jyn out for a while, a groomed Han Solo watching with amusement in the background. The asshole could have at least been mad that date night was interrupted.)  
  
Jyn hesitates for a moment, then leans far enough to bump her shoulder into his. Cassian finally looks at her, face so serious it almost scares her, gaze piercing. "Why do you think Leia wants me to have a partner so bad?" She says it teasingly, though it's less clear whether it works or not. "I have a track record for being a reckless idiot. You're her last ditch effort to have someone who can keep me in check." Except he's much more than that. She wonders if he knows that, if Cassian has ever really understood how much he's come to mean to her. There's no one she trusts more to watch her back; simultaneously, she keeps half waiting for her to shoot her in it.   
  
But Cassian's a good man, despite how much he'd protest that fact. He breaks after a long moment, exhales the negative energy that's been keeping him so tightly strung, leaning to bump her shoulder back. A smile flickers across his countenance at long awaited last. "I suppose I have some experience in that." Jyn can't help the sharp bark of a laugh.  
  
"Well, it seems the party has moved out here," Chirrut's voice calls out cheerfully as the rest of  _Rogue One_ suddenly files into the great room. Bodhi hops the back of the couch to settle alongside Jyn, one knee pressing to her good one. Baze and Chirrut choose to occupy the opposite end of the couch. They lean on each other so lightly it's barely noticeable.  
  
Jyn looks around the room with a smile. At the older married couple that exist in perfect harmony. At the man to her left that her late father may as well have adopted into the family. At the dog jumping onto the couch on Cassian's opposite side. And, maybe mostly, at the man beside her that she never thought she'd get a second chance to protect. This is her family now, small and rough as it may be. So are Leia and Han and all their loving bickering. She lets a hand fall atop Bodhi's, feels herself relax against the cushions despite the protests of her body.  
  
From the way Cassian's eyes dart from one to the next and the laugh lines appear on his face, he seems to be having the same thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has perhaps the biggest hint i've ever dropped about what exactly went down between jyn and cassian ... kudos to anyone who's got a guess ;)
> 
> i'm thinking about ending this particular part here, adding on to the story in another post, probably with snippets mostly including cassian bonding with the team
> 
> i'm also planning on doing more posts with cassian and jyn's backstory together so i can finally show what went down


End file.
